Looking back at my level of education I feel so mad at myself, my parents, our education system and my churches that so readily gave advice each Sunday. Maybe I just didn't listen. Neverless there's one more thing that I wonder.
Why was I never sat down and looked square in the eye by my wife (now ex-wife) my closest familly members, again my pastor or at least a mandatory class before you get married to evaluate your personality defects and why its important to be honest about your childhood and your parents behavior. Just maybe if I only knew what I know now. I would have never brought two lives into a sick dad (me).
Especially my ex-wife she knew because she was educated with years of formal teaching knowledge. She knew and so did my mother in law. She used me I'm crying right now because they took advantage of sickness. I know some of you will say I deserved it. It's difficult to show you what it's like to live inside my thoughts the struggle to try and hide that cold rude person, dark full of distructive behaviors.
I built a false self to shield this more aggressive manly identity that I was ashamed to set completely free. You see when there's these rude women with little to no remorse or flexibility. That's what's inside of me my true self. I built a narsasistic coupled with anxiety social phobias showing unibipolar depression and mania episodes. .... Who's to blame it goes right back to my mother and father.
From 1-5 years of age I keep hearing suttle hints from my mom now in her 70,s that she was busy working a job too busy to show effection. Found out I didn't even come home from the hospital for 40 days, I am begging to wounder why? Did the doctor see something in my mother he didn't trust. The fact is both of my parents were stupid to bring me into this world. I have serious abandoment issues to name just one.
Now I'm in my late thirties I put on my too good to be true front man (who's really a narsasitic manipulating stressed out fake business man getting off on all the bullshit success stories) luring my ex-wife into my web of energy sucking bottomless pit of pitity. She falls for it I fall for her and she for some crazy reason decides to have children with me. I guess it's something as a man especilly with my selfcenterness can't grasp. THE MOTHERS DESIRE FOR KIDS.
You see I know this because her first husband told me she begged him for a child even though she was separated from him. Well here I come along in a personality disorder cloud unable to read between the lines. I was and I am sick.
Yes she divorced me she didn't even give birth to my second child before she left the home. I fought her in court her attorney used everything in the book accept sexual abuse. I was so mad then I was also blind thinking I was normal. The last time I saw my children was shortly after the divorce was finalized. I tried desperately to create another false front man called Daddy just like I did in business.
What happens is the constant dialog inside my head the struggle between right and wrong evil vs good impulse vs controll. It slips out and I break rules or appear distant. I remember having one baby in my right arm crying and my oldest in the other arm crying in stereo and holding them until they stopped crying. It felt so good. That contact of my :( babies. Oh God I miss them. But on that day at the baby sitters my oldest didn't want to come with daddy she feel to her knees and was scared of me.
She was only 3 1/2. My personality disorders and all my social fears especially abandonment triggered a chain of events that is erasing my false self to make way for something else. Severe depression is here and I'm seeing people moving and worried about my reaction to upcoming legal punishments.
Oh ya I lost my job too which leads to aggression from innocent police officers. Am I the evil that makes headline news. No I'm hanging on to my good proven rational reasoning thought patterns and releasing the fears. Not afraid to walk in the darkness of life. Knowing I'm able to fight Like a man fiercely and with confidence that I don't care what people think about me anymore. Able to stand up for my self and confront the calisness and rude individuals from now on. No longer hanging on to the feminist false beliefs repressing my true manhood.
Once I create this true self and test it's values against up coming challenges. Then just maybe If I feel it's right I will reinsert myself back into my daughts and ex wife's life with conviction.
There is no room for self pity or depression I must get back on my feet and work. Making this woman and my children the good cause worth providing for and taking pleasure in that pursuit. It's not about a game of who has more money it's about my commitment to something that I started and the little lives that are forming. God grant me the strengh and the wisdom to make this my reality.
Show me a job and give me the capability to get to that job. Help me God I need you now more than ever. To the judges and attorneys: Maybe it's good for a man or woman to be beat down and rip everything away. Inducing such turmoil that the events begin to break the individuals brain pathways and new ones begin to form. Only time can tell. How painful these past years have been. I'll never be the same.