Not a father, but seeing things from the other side

by Shanda
(TN)

I am not a father. In fact I am a mother. I was raised by my father who was EASILY able to get custody of me and my brother from my mother because she is mentally imbalanced. I have seen the custody from the father's point of view from when I was young.


My story is that I got pregnant by a man who did not want to be a father. He actually hit me because I refused to abort my son. I finished college with a on-year-old in tow, with no prospects of ever having to deal with the sperm donor again. My mistake was to file for goernment benefits so that I could finish school and provide for my son and myself.

Well the state took it upon themselves to establish paternity. At first I refused to tell them, then they sent some one in to threaten me. I finally told tem. A year and a half later we were in court estblishing paternity. He cried and whined how I ruined his life. I do not see how....he went own and I caught him having sex with a 15 year old girl when I was 6 months pregnant! He lied about his income to the judge, he worked for his dad so his dad paid him in cash. At this point he still had only seen his son three times, and would not hold him. Between the ages of 3 weeks and two years, he had nothing to do with our son. then contact was only sporadic, even though I tried to facilitate contact.

He has wined and griped for years about paying childsupport. I have told him to ask for an adjustment, I even filed one for him because I knew he was making less money. I even offered to help get the judge to agree to a deviation....it is not so much about the money for me as it is the taking responibility. I make quite a bit more money than said sperm donor. I have not asked him to pay his portion of many expenses...Child care, small medical bills, but have asked him to pay for the larger things. I have the insurance.

Well my son has som severe psychological and behavioral issuses. He has harmed my 5 year old daughter on multiple occasions. We have surveilence cameras set up to help keep an eye on both of them. This summer my son threatened suicide and to build a bomb to put in someone's locker. At the urging of his pediatrician, counselor, and neurologist, we put him in an inpatiant mental hospital. They released him after a week saying he was no longer a threat to himself or others. Ten days later he shot my daughter in the face point blank with a soft pellet gun. It grazed her chin and left a large hole in her neck. After we returned from the doctor with her and ate supper, son stood up, said, that was a good meal and forced himself to vomit on the kitchen table. After we made him clean up his mess we took him back to the mental health facility. I was told by his doctor there that I should not have him in the home with my daughter.

At this point I made the decision to give sperm donor custody...afterall it was time for him to step up to the plate other than with money. At first he agreed on my terms, the amount of CS, visitation, etc. Then he got DCS involved and tried to have me charged with abamdonment.....He never left my custody, even arranged extra week at mental facility to get things sorted out. when he was released we drove him straight to his father.

When Sperm donor (sorry if that term offends, but my father has a better one that I will not say aloud!), got the copy of the parenting plan, he refused to sign it. My lawyer had included the state estimated CS which was $98 more per month than we had agreea upon. he demanded that, me to send food in bulk (from Sam's because we have a membership) for my son. All this when he owes me a documented amount of $655 in medical bills and $2,904.54 (accorrding to the child support office)! I told him I would agree to such terms if he paid his arrearage immedately! I have debt from my son's hospital stay, my daughter's medical bills, and my own hospital stay two weeks ago when my heart stopped beating and I passed out! Sperm donor would not even bring son to hospital to visit!

Father/sperm donor also had the audacity to ask for some of my furniture and other belonings! WTF, we were never married and this is not a divorce. We sent 99% of my son's belongins with him, that is enough.

I just want this settled and over with. If I would have known a little over 14 years ago that I would have to deal with all of this B.S. instead of raising my son, I would have been fishing in the deeper end of the gene pool! I say this because by saying I would not have been having sex, I would be wishing my son out of exisitance!
I knew I was in trouble when I had to defin the word resourceful for the sprem donor!

Any imput on this? I know that some fathers on this forum may find my post offensive. I do think the courts are unfair in custody and CS decisions. they do not look at the bigger picture. I gave my son to his father because I love him and did not want to see him go to a group home or see my daughter harmed anymore. This was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and it had to be made in the best interest of the family, not just my son. I just hope his father grows up and learns what it means to be a father.

I know this is a different point of view than most of you have heard, but I have tried to be reasonable with the father...even when I requested to have his CS lowered, the father mocked the judge, and the judge raised it!

I do not know what to do talk to lawyer tomorrow. DCS says I need to finalize it or they will try to take custody. I am paying lawyer in increments, and have told DCS, that if father will compromise and agree, this should be done in two weeks, if he contests it, it will drag out at his cost.

Any advice, and please, if you have something against women because of what has happened to you, do not bother responding. Right now I need good sound advice from someone who may have experienced something similar.

Thanks!
shanda1974 (at) yahoo (dot)(com)



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