Trapped and Frustrated

by Stephen
(Missouri)

I've read some of the stories here and I don't know what to say. It's true that when a man and woman have sex there is the possibility that a child may be conceived. It's also true if you drive a car you could get in an accident. People do both everyday. Things happen that you can't control, but the difference is being able to decide what to do when that happens. the ability to decide is completely taken away from alot of men who end up paying child support.

As you might guess I'm a father who is paying child support, I had an affair for a few months with a woman I worked with. She was married and in the process of getting a divorce when we first started, once she got divorced she took things into her own hands and got pregnant intentionally to try to manipulate me into leaving my wife. Now she's mad because I didn't and she's taking it out in the courts because the law is so lop-sided it's incredibly easy for her to do.

Think about it, yes I decided to have sex with this woman, she decided to have sex with me. We're completely even at this point. This woman is a nurse (she understands the concept of birth control and all the options available to her) she had previously had an abortion because she didn't want to have a child at that time.

She decided to stop taking birth control at some point. She decided to not take the morning after-pill. She decided not to tell me every day for 8 weeks (during which time she could have had an abortion very easily). She refused to have an abortion after that even when I offered to take her to the clinic and pay entirely for the procedure (it's legal up to 20 weeks).

She also decided to keep the child and not give it up for adoption. If you're keeping score that's 1 decision for me and about 150 for her. I can only surmise that she wanted the child in the first place.

Now because of the way child support is structured I'll be supplementing her income by 50%. That's right She makes a pretty decent salary as an RN, and I'll be paying her half of what she makes. It's like an extra pay check every month for her and it's well beyond what any child's needs could possibly be. If you spend over 50% of your monthly income on your child there is something wrong!

At this point I can imagine that some people are thinking about calling me names and saying I'm a deadbeat and that sort of thing. That couldn't be farther from the truth, as far as I'm concerned I am 50% responsible for this child. I would gladly take 100% responsibility for this child and not ask anything of the mother. She, however, is demanding that I pay a substantial amount (more than $400,000) for her decisions. This is more than of the cost of raising a child, and I don't know where the extra money goes. Furthermore, she has made visitation virtually impossible. Communication with this woman is nearly pointless and frequently becomes threateningly hostile. I can only imagine what kind of things she is telling my daughter. I wouldn't know because I don't ever get to talk to her.

It just seems that the system is broken and needs to be looked at...it's too easy to abuse from both sides (those paying and those getting paid). From my perspective I don't think that a child's needs go up merely because a parent's income does, if Bill Gates had to pay child support based on his income the mother would be pretty rich the minute the child was born.






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Cant believe people
by: Anonymous

Reading this makes me mad. Yes when two grown adults decide to have sex a child can be created. Now, I am not saying some women do not trap men but what if a woman becomes pregnant by a man and she doesnt believe in an abortion and the man continually tells her its her choice. Im sorry but abortions are cruel and mean and it damages a woman emotionally and physically. Raising a child is hard but also rewarding even if both the parents do not get along. I just hate when men say you can go get an abortion like they are doing it to their body. Here is a thought why doesn't a man wear a condom and be responsible. I know some men hate child support but you cant have a man holding money over your head and never help; and yes men cannot be treated fairly but their are cases where a woman raises a child and a dad does not contribute anything and tries every way in the world to run. My sons father gave me fifty dollars in a year and you think that supports a child. But dont pin the responsibilty all the woman because you think its right to have an abortion it is not supposed to be used as birth control.

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Work issues out don't run from them
by: Anonymous

I love it when men say they got trapped. Well what about that woman. If a woman isn't on birth control and is honest about it and the man doesn't wear anything and still decides to have unprotected sex what the heck does he think is going to happen and truthfully in the end the one trapped is the woman because the man is going to leave his responsibility anyway and the woman is going to be taking care of the childs everyday needs because too many men want to run out from there responsibilities. I know women do this sort of thing to but many men seem to do this and feel that they shouldn't have consequences to walking out of the marriage or relationship because they always think grass is greener somewhere else but in reality you always have issues in the next relationshiop they just might be different issues than what was in the last relationship. If men and women would just set their prides and ego aside and just work on their relationships the children of this world wouldn't be in the shape they are in if mommy and daddy would just work through the issues instead of running away.

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no surprise here
by: scir91onYouTube

well, she realized she is a single lady and leaving her cake but you are having your cake and eating it too. from both dishes. she didn't like that so she figured she'd buy her own cake with your money and eat it with someone else after breaking up with you. don't you know people will abuse a system if they can find a legal way to do it? heck they do it illegally all the time like by cheating on taxes, but YOU are a cashcow thanks to the american court system that is anti-man (actually even mass media is now anti-man where the male is shown as a bumbling fool and only the woman in the house can do things right)? if you want to have another affair in the future, buy a blow up doll to share with your wife, watch porn on your own and live out your fantasies, or go overseas where prostitution is regulated and there is no risk of any trouble.

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I totally agree with you man
by: Anonymous

It's inconceivable how some females act now these day's, whether it takes two to make it or not. If the child is truly his, does that not give him the mandate to make half the decisions of his child? Also it's a very good use of a metaphor for using a car crash as an example, both can ruin and haunt your life forever, even though it's not your fault. As in if a person fall's asleep at the wheel and crash's into you is it your fault too? If a woman lies as in not taking birth control, saying she medically cannot get impregnated, or pokes holes in your "Plastic bag", how is it your fault and why do you have to pay for it for the rest of your life, or your younger years. If you did cheat and no lies were made, then i could understand a woman's side, or if you were sleeping around without using rubbers then again i can understand. But women think of unfathomable way's to entrap men and get a free paycheck. Also there is no way in heck, that food, diapers, daycare, and all those frivolous yet essential things take 400,000 dollars to raise a child. Unless the kid is a major druggy, has obesity, and has permanent diarrhea. I am currently homeless, jobless and a chick said medically she couldnt have babies due to a cyst and being raped internally devastated her reproductive organs. Found out later she lied, and is now sleeping with my ex room mate and was a good friend, her and her family plan on draining every dime and penny out of me so she can have the child, also they are taking care of the situation due to the fact i have no supporting family in this state and have few friends. The baby-momma still does drugs, drinks, and smokes cigs, also she has no high school diploma and does not plan on getting a job in the future, so that i will have to pay more. The system is completely screwed up.

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a father
by: Anonymous

so if a man is being a father, like i am going to parent teacher meeting buying clothes food diapers and spending time, why should i have to pay? Just because me and her mother did not work out does not mean i am a dead beat dad. These laws need to be changed. there are alot of wowmen who are just making babies for the money. They live off of state aid and child support they whole life while the man is left to suffer and his life never gets back on track. We are faced with jail time court hearing all for what? and it takes more then money to raise a child. Love support guidance. Are moral system is wrong. all we care about is the money. i kno for a fact no child needs 500$ a month from one parent, that is crazy!!!

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I Agree With You
by: Anonymous

I am a mother I left the father of my son for reasons I don't want to mention but I can tell you there are things you can do, you do have rights to that child whether or not she wants you to see her isn't even up to her. I know child support doesn't always seem fair but thats simply because it isn't always fair sometimes its not fair for the mother raising the child and other times its not fair to the father. My husband has a lil girl and his ex got pregnant on purpose I don't mind her but it makes me so mad that she did that to him its not fair if you get knocked up the father should have some say in whether or not you should keep it cuz you have to pay for the rest of your life its almost like sending someone to jail even though they aren't guilty.

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YES YES....
by: Anonymous

SURE!!
All here are talking bad about this man who cheated on his wife...but what about a wife who cheats on her husband and is asking for child support more than she should even when her ex is doing all the correct things about those children??? What kind of moral have women here? and the law doesn't do anything about that!!!!!!!!!! Children living with ho.....mothers!!!!!!

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Quit Crying
by: Anonymous

Where's the personal responsibilty? If you didn't want a child you shouldn't have had sex with her. That child has needs diapers, food, cloaths, shoes, bed, and not to mention daycare. This is precisely why we need child support. Quit crying, be a man, and own up to your actions.

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It takes 2
by: Anonymous

Well, Maybe next time you cheat on your wife, you will wear a rubber! it takes 2 to tango. Why is it always the womans responibility to worry about birth control!!

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NOT FAIR
by: Anonymous

I think you are right on.

I am a woman. When I left my abussive husband, I left with our two kids, a couple photo albums and some clothes. I never once asked for child support nor did I get a dime. If he wanted to see the kids, I allowed it.

....what happened to the idea that we are to love our children more than we hate our exes.

Seems like more than less custodial mothers have questionable morals/ethics. Women are labelled gold diggers...haters....etc. I know I am not one, but I know there are A LOT of them out there. I have a brother who lives in a travel trailer and pays $4200 for one kid and alimony. I have a friend who lives in a nice house, but part of his job is to maintain the property. He is penalized for it. He pays $2000 a month with constant hassles and is left with $50 a week to live off of.

Pathetic. What has come of the mothers and the courts to allow it? I just cannot get my brain around it.

Why can they lie? Why does the state help the gold diggers? Why are they entitled to more than half of a mans gross income? (depending on the state. They want to totally defeat and distroy.

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amount
by: Anonymous

if you ask me child support should be so much for every child no matter what you make cause even if you make nothing they still charge you some thing.

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Dear Trapped for your own sins
by: Anonymous

Yes, you are pretty right. If you can make enough money for that lady to be requesting in court $400,000.00 is that you are an educated man with with plenty of financial resources but you were not thinking clear when got involved with this woman while you were MARRIED. This lesson can help you to rise your children in the awareness of consecuences of your own actions. Thank God that your wife forgave you and you can go on with your marriage. Instead of whining about money spent in your daughter or this lady do something legal to excercise your rights as father and give this child part of your time and care that she also deserves. If your think that lady is an abusive person because what she is doing, is time for you to rise as a loving and supportive father.

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