Women treated like 2nd class citizens

by Ray
(Illinois)

I am a Single 52 year old mother of 2 teenage daughters. I'm also college educated and I am a Nurse and I am white. Due to complications from a surgery I have had to go on medicaid and food stamps at one time. I am totally grateful for all the help I have been giver. Now I'll tell you about my experience and hopefully it will open the Publics Eyes to how Women and Children are treated like 2nd class citizens when going after these Deadbeat dads.

It has brought so much stress into my like with Menopause and raising 2 teenage daughters on top of it and chasing a Deadbeat Dad who every time he gets a job and I find him he Quits. If you think that this doesn't have such a negative and stressful environment on the mother and her Children your wrong.

I am so ashamed on how I handled the situation and I can't take it back. I actually not knowingly ran my 17 year old daughter right into the hands of her Deadbeat dad. It was around 8 weeks and 1 day before her 18 birthday she moved out and stated she would never see me again or her sister and that her father had told her that I had manipulated her all these years and kept her from him.

I am not going into a he said she said. But wake up. These Deadbeat Dads are like Republican Politicans they are putting a spin on it. This deadbeat never wanted visitation until I asked for an increase in Child Support she was 8 years old. He signed the papers at the Hospital and because I refused to give her his last name he refused contact with her. I am not going to go into specific details on how he would react when I bought her to his house. He would see me not her. However I did keep his verbally abusive dad to me involved in her life and he lives a half a block away from his father. He could have seen her any time.

It took him 4 days to come to the Hospital to see her and sign the papers how would I have given her his last. Name. What was I going to name her Budweiser? Because that is what he was doing while I was pregors and in Labor and had a c-section. I just could not raise my daughter in those conditions. When my daughter was 2 years old he came over on his bicycle to give me the insurance papers he signed and that was the first time he had seen his daughter since birth. It kinda hard to work in your daughter when you alledged drink 36 cans of beer a day. He then saw her off and on his terms alcohol always involved and I had to be with and my other baby daughter.

It was very inconsistent and I could no longer subject my children to that because I would never live that way. He saw her off and on for 3 years went to a friends funeral came to my house on his bike at night and said I just met another women and she is like me and drinks what do you want me to do. I said well quit drinking he said not going to happen I then said go for it and he did and married her two of a kind.

He then did not see his daughter for 3 more years until I asked for more Child Support then he all of the sudden I guess was saved. Because he decided to get married to his equal mate and said he quit drinking. Sure thats why I've seen him buying beer at the Gas station. Plus guess where he and his wife had there wedding reception in a Bar. Neither one of them could drive at the time and her grandfather had to take them to the Hotel for their Honeymoon. How romantic. I do not drink and you would never catch me having my wedding reception in a Bar.

Never called her for b-days or Christmas nothing although his verbally abusive father to me came to all her b-day partied and I also gave him pictures and the deadbeat son of his too. They didn't pay me for the Pictures nor did they ever ask for them I just made sure they got them with my money. Now the deadbeat is putting a spin on it and now is trying to what we Nurses call Covering his ass a little to late and my daughter believe this man. It is her father and she loves him which she should and i am glad they are establishing a relationship that should have started at birth.

This man always had enough money to take me to court for a reduction in Child Support or to act like he wanted visitation all of the Sudden after 8 years of not requesting any visitation. His Lawyer for the Child Support case took me in a room and said look he'll pay this amount and I have really never encountered this but does not request any visitation I'm really sorry. His lawyer said this to me.

He blames me for it. Are you kidding. I have spent the last nine years chasing him down from job to job because he would quit as soon as he was served papers. On my daughters 17 the birthday he went to where she worked after not trying to see her at all since she refused to visit him at the age of 13 years old he didn't even go to her 8 th grade graduation and she cried. I'm sure glad I didn't have a father like that I feel so guilty that he did that to my daughter. When he did see her at 17 years old he said you want me to take your mom to Court for visitation.

Slow down big boy you were noway going to do that then the man on the moon. Because you knew you would get busted for contempt of Court orders to report changes in jobs and income. The only time I really got Child Support which was only $39 dollars a week was when he was on unemployment. I guess the State of Illinois gives unemployment to people that don't work because he claimed he did not have a job even after I caught him.

What these Deadbeats do is get the Child Support order lowered as low as possible then after it is Court ordered at a really low amount they quit there job get a higher paying one he put down he had no Children and some how got away with it for all those years. I went to an Attorney in 2003 the year I lost both my parents 6 months apart whom were very involved in their granddaughters life unlike the other grandparents and all 3 of us were devastated.

They were 10 and 11 years old. The Attorney said look my wife is a Nurse like you and I know you have strange hours. Any Attorney fresh out of law school would Know that this guy quit frankly is a prick. He know more wants to see his daughter he just does not want to pay you. This type of guy will take you to court and try to get Custody he won't but he will make sure you go through all your money and its not worth it.

You already know the Attorneys for the Attorney General for the State of Illinois are worthless just leave it alone at Speak about it when she is 18 years old and that is what I am doing.

I have more I am going to say later. From now on I will not do a he said she said I will just tell all of my experiences with this faulty system and try to help other Women go through it. I will be on utube soon and blog talk radio it will be under Politics and Child Support Issues. Keep checking.

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Did you know.....
by: Anonymous

its considered a crime to not accept child support? Me neither. I guess someone might have a good reason for making that choice though . I wonder who would go to jail faster... The parent who doesn't accept support or the parent who doesn't pay it? Support enforcement is a huge joke by the way.

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THE TIME HAS COME LADIES!!!!!!
by: Anonymous

My fellow women! Listen to me and hear me well for this information will help you and every female you pass this onto. We as women, NEED TO STOP allowing these men, your man, your boyfriend, anyone whom we feel we might become intimate with, the Privilege of having unprotected sex. You DO NOT NEED for these men to turn around and treat you like a doormat as well the offspring THEY create! It is TIME for you to think MORE of yourselves. Why do we get sucked into the thinking, this mental illusion, that men REALLY LOVE US because they want to have sex? Hello, we all have this hunger. It's just like wanting that chocolate cake. But are you willing to put on those pounds after you eat it?

We need to get harder on men sexually, It's coming to this point. There are alternate forms of sex. If a man wants you then let him really please you without producing kids. Hey, look at it THIS way, men wanted it, they were the first ones wanting it! They hold the testosterone.
You know this true.

More women should stop buying into the lie that men always care when they ask for "it."

Know how a man really cares? When he actually supports his woman AND kids without always complaining.

Men need not reply....... hahaha

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respnse to comment
by: Anonymous

A son of one of my best friends seems to be going through the same experience you are going through. I am not talking about responsible FATHERS. I am talking about DEADBEATS rather it be EMOTIONAL or FINANCIAL. In the Area I live in the MOTHER is treated like a GOLD DIGGER and the FATHER like a VICTIM. When the TRUE VICTIM is the CHILD.

To the FATHER'S like you and my friends son, I'm SORRY. In the 19 yrs. I have been going to COURT for CHILD SUPPORT in all the CASES except a couple the FATHER was the one favored by the COURT. My friend's son has spent a TON of money fighting the BABY MAMA because like you she filed an ORDER OF PROTECTION and down right lied about being PHYSICALLY ABUSED. The reason being he was taking her back to COURT for CUSTODY and we believe she was told what to do to STOP the process. There is NO EXCUSE for what these so called WOMEN have done. Again, I'm SORRY.

Keep fighting the TRUTH will come out.

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Bad moms
by: Anonymous

I have the ex from hell we have one child fhr uses the courts in every way she can she'll never stop ,i got a phone call about our daughter that she might have cancer to my suprise she had a no contact order taken out on me when i called and e-mailed her to find out about our child the courts put out a warrant for never showing up to court the thing is i never got papers to go to court she gave them a wrong address courts don't care dads right in all most women are good hearted bud the ones that arn't i hope you pay the price one day for what you have done to good dads

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hmm
by: Anonymous

Sounds like to me you just can't get over your anger of him! Also just because your ex is or is alleged a deadbeat don't make all fathers deadbeats! You sound like you did your best to make every step of his life hard when it came to his daughter first off you married the drunk or alleged drunk so you must have loved him at one point , second you wouldn't put his last name to his own daughter ? Any right minded man would be pissed off over that one ! Seems you did alot of holding his children over his head to get back at him ! Don't get me wrong I believe all parents should help out finacially and emotionally for their children , but even when married people are raising children one parent may be more nurturing and the other may do more financially , that doesn't mean one of them are a deadbeat ! Women like you that hold a grudge obviouosly for 18 years and still going tend to use the children to attack well as you have found out that will back fire and you my friend are now the bad guy ! Also do you realize that this so called deadbeat could sue the hell out of you for slander and defimation for posting stuff like this ? I think before you go on youtube and any other talk radio abot cs and deadbeats you need to get a little more informed and equalized befor you look like the idiot you are sounding like in this post ! Good luck to you !

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THAT'S IRRELEVANT
by: Anonymous

WHY EVEN MENTION THE FACT THAT YOUR WHITE, I THINK THAT'S IRRELEVANT. ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET SOME KIND OF SPECIAL TREATMENT BECAUSE OF THE COLOR OF YOUR SKIN?

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IL known for corruption
by: Catlin Baker

I very much agree with you. Run a stop sign you get a ticket and you better pay or show up in court or they will pick you up. Court ordered child support goes unpaid year after year and then you get a letter saying we can't help you children have turned 18. Gee you had 16 years to help them what went wrong?
Our laws are a joke what few (key word here is few) are not enforced. We need nation wide laws that are the same and enforced. Now don't get me wrong things happen bad health, a lost job etc. But in my case the man changed jobs every couple of months to keep from paying and did so year after year. Now some jail time just might have helped him decide to stay at a job. But that never happened and he kept driving as he had to get to all those jobs. And his tax returns he kept those too he likes to fish. Yes the state of IL was very good to him.

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Women 2 class citizens- Illinois
by: Anonymous

Lady get a grip.You are nothing but bitter and whining. you and women like you are the reason so many dads dont see their children . Your letter is like a nightmare and you must be a nightmare. God help the man who knows you. Men in this country are so abused by the system and women like you .No wonder men are turning to other men . Move on lady. Quit whineing. You make me sick.

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WTF!!!
by: Anonymous

What does being white have to do with your situation????????

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Your right
by: Ray

I guess I just need to vent. I'm sorry if I offended any one. Read the next maybe it will explain more.

I just want to Focus my attention of this issue and all of the other Issues I will write, bloktalkradio and y-tube about Issues concerning Women and Children. Probably within the next week or two I know men get that Shat to from Deadbeat Mothers but I am focusing on Mothers and Children at this time. But that you for your comment.

Don't let the Right Wing Conservative Politicians Scare Tactics. Universal Health Care is greatly needed. Welfare to Work doesn't Work. We have to make affordable Health Care for all of our Citizens Mandated or not. DO YOU REALIZE ALL THE BABY-BOOMERS REACHING RETIREMENT AGE EVERY DAY. IF HEALTH CARE IS NOT MANDATED LIKE INSURANCE FOR CAR'S YOU THINK AMERICA IS IN DEBT NOW??? Just wait.

Being a Nurse because people do not have Heath Insurance they use the Emergency Rooms when their illness is to far gone because no Insurance they fall between the cracks. A Clinic visit for Preventive care is a lot less expensive then an E>R> Bill. Least 3-4,000 a Visit.

Thank You for your comments and time.

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So Get a grip lady
by: Anonymous

I agree with firstmoor and Geeez so heartless. Get a grip on your sitution. Get over it and move on. These so called deadbeat dads cant even match up to you deadbeat mothers. I owe 148,390.00 for back childsupport on a 35 year old woman that I paid child support when she was a child. Not going to get into the whole story now but women like you are why men in this country leave and dont give a ???? . You run them down. You want them to pay for seeing thier children and you whine when you dont have enough to pay for all of your own things. Get a grip and a job move own count it a loss and get over it.

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re: women in Ill. being treated like 2nd class citizens in regards to child support
by: barbara

I am a mother of two daughters who shared joint custody with my ex-husband in Ill. My daughters chose to live with their father for a period of time in which I paid my child support every month. While he had the girls he took off moved around and broke our custody agreement, and got away with it. Finally after quite a few years he was arrested and I got the girls back. After they came to live with me again I notified Ill Dept. of Public Aid of the situation and told them I needed to modify the existing order or have it dropped. After I reported the changed I figured since they knew the law and are suppose to act on behalf of both parents being fair to both sides, I didn't hear anything for a while and I called back several times getting the answer o.k. its being sent to a supervisor sent many faxes finally one said it needed to be taken back to court and there was 10,000 dollars owed by me and my daughters were living with me. We ended up in court and Mr. Cook who enforces child support for the Hancock county area had already talked to my ex- husband and made up his mind he would not fight on my behalf, he went to court and told the judge he wanted me to pay all the back child support, except a couple hundred dollars because I had taken back custody of my daughters dishonestly even though their father was arrested for domestic violence and assaulting a police officer, I finally got the order dropped but for two years that he had no children and still has no children living with him, he hasn't since 2007 he gets my taxes my daughters have not received one dime. When I filed a motion to receive child support Mr.Cook refused to go to court on my behalf, because my ex-husband called and told him he had one daughter living with him, which he did not, So Mr. cook sent me a letter to drop my request and I refused to sign it, and I am now fighting for support in Nevada, Oh and since our last court date where Mr. Cook felt so sorry for my ex-husband he broke his probation was re-arrested and got a slap on the wrist for domestic violence and assaulting a police officer again, and drunk driving, So they are soft on all issues involving women, child support, domestic violence, custody rights and the list goes on. I don't see How it was my fault he got arrested and I had to pay him ten thousand dollars for his mistakes and my daughters had to suffer the loss of the money he got for his choice to break the law more than once not to mention breaking our custody and visitation agreement. So I guess if you want to get away with breaking the law and beat up women, assault police officers, drink and drive, go in contempt of court on child visitation orders, violate probation, and still be rewarded with child support that you are not entitled to then Illinois is definatley the state to live in.. Such rewards for bad behavior could only come from Illinois corrupt systems,its a mans world in the good ole boy state.

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lawsuit vs child support
by: Anonymous

Well You sure of the same thinking as me, I had the same experience . I felt like I was in a game show. The lawyer as me if I knew where the funds of a lawsuit was. then I was told that I can't tranfer my child support case to new york City so that way . New York child support enforcement would go after those funds of a lawsuit of to much to stated it. So here Iam raising a child , which his father is in jail sitting on a goldmine , collect interest on a trust account , while the state support his son. That does't make sense and yes I felt like I was treat like a second class critizen. But the joke is on them because iam not going to after my son father for child support when he gets out. Iam going to see if the court will. and if they don't I don't give a dam because in the matter which I was treated. sincerely a very angry single mother of two.

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LET IT GO
by: Paula

I understand what you are saying but somehow you have to find the strengh to get over it. It is tearing you up inside. You sound so bitter and for the love of your children you got to let it go.I know that it will not be easy but believe me your girls will come around and see things for what it is. Meanwhile let go and know she is your daughter and loves you. Right now she is bonding with her father let her get to know who he really is. She will find out without any words from you.Look at it this way one less kid at home you have done your job. NOW THE FUTURE BELONGS TO YOU!!!Good Luck Paula

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get a grip
by: Anonymous

You know I did not even read all you wrote .I did not have to. To know you are whining just like the Dems. Dont give me the 2nd class citizen likeline. You dont even know what it is for the abused men in this country by woman like you.

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Geesh so heartless!!
by: Anonymous

It is peolple like you that make other parents sick!@!! You did nothing but bitch on ho bad a guy was to you you you ,maybe that is why the guy didn't come to see the girls ,because he knew you would do nothing but degrade the guy!! Have some self dignity about ourself! The kids always know what truley is going on and when you down the other parent all the time it will turn around and bite yo on the ass and looks like it did just that!! FOR ONE THING DEADBEATS JUST ARE NOT THE DADS THERE ARE MOTHERS THAT ARE DEADBEATS TOO! iT IS JUST WOMEN THAT HATE MEN LIKE YOU THAT WANT TO BITCH ABOUT DEADBEAT THIS AND DEADBEAT THAT AND WHERES MY MONEY !!WHAT HE HELL GROW UP YEAH IT SUCKS TO HAVE TODO IT ALL BY YOURSELF BUT DON'T RUN THE MENN IN THIS ORLD DOWN CHILD SUPPORT IS TREATED ALL THE SAME WHEN IN FACT EVEY CASE IS DIFFERENT ! YOUR MAN DIDNT WANT TO COME AROUND HMM CAN'T BLAME HIM BY THE SOUND OF THINGS BUT SOME MEN DO LOSE JOBS OR END UP DISABLED AND HAVE NO MEANS OF PAYING BUT DID SO WHEN HE WQAS ABLE NOT ALL NON PAYERS ARE DEADBEATS !AND BY THE WAY I WOULD MUCH RATHER THE PARENTS BE INVOLVED IN THE KID LIFE MORE THAN MONEY !!SEE SOUNDS LIKE YOU LOVE THE THOUGHT OF MONEY NOT BEING A PARNT LOVE YOR KIDS NOT THE OTHER PARNTS MONEY!!OH AND PLEASE STOP BITCHING LIKE YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD HAVING FINACIAL PROBLEMS AND GO TO WORK!!

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The problem is
by: FirstMoor

Not to detract from your experiences, but your post comes off as a bash session against your children's father. It was difficult to discern your personal dislike of this person from your actual poor experiences with the system. Not trying to tell you what to say or how to say it, but as a suggestion try to keep the focus on the system and not the person. Otherwise, you appear to come off as a person ranting about their ex.

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